Sports are great. You know what else IS great? Sports. Grammarians the world over can ponder that paradox while I sit here and jerk off all over my dog-eared copy of The Trumpet of the Swan . I am currently celebrating the acquisition of the talented lefthanded pitcher Cliff Lee by the Philadelphia Phillies, my favorite Major League Baseball (MLS) team. Lee, of course, is famous for having won the American League Cy Young Award just last year (2008 for those who don't remember). Sports awards have a rich tradition built into their hardware, and rituals that would otherwise seem arcane are perfectly normal in this context. For instance, the team that wins the championship of the National Hockey League (NBA) is presented with a trophy called "Lord Stanley's Cup." No, it's not a piece of bell-shaped plastic that a man named "Lord Stanley" wore as a protective undergarment to shield his cock and balls from violent and uppity stick-wielding women jealous of his natural superiority as a non-woman (man), as that joke has been made a thousand times using exactly that same verbiage. It's actually a rather large metal bowl enscribed with the names of all the players on all the teams who have won the championship over the years. To win it is a quite an honor, and, according to tradition, each player on the winning team gets to spend a day with the Cup to do with it as they see fit. Past winners have taken the Cup to a library, picked out wallpaper with their wife while the Cup sat in their minivan, and stared lifelessly into the Cup as they pondered their hopeless future after the end of their poorly-paid career as a 33-year-old man with significant brain damage (from repeat concussions; also, the only people who choose hockey as a career were born with brain damage) and no job skills beyond toothlessly skating in circles and poking at a small piece of rubber with a stick (editor's note: in October 2008 this would have been a Governor of Alaska joke, but I'm just gonna go with the ol' standby).
"Thanks for that scintillating history lesson, Picture Explainer," or, perhaps, "ZZZZZZZZ," you're thinking by now. Where am I going with this? I'll (reluctantly, at this point) tell you. New Phillies picture Cliff Lee, having won the Cy Young Award, which is a personal award and not a team award, is required by longstanding baseball tradition to carry around the decomposed corpse of Cy Young (1867-1955) for a year. Yeah, I couldn't really figure out how to make that brutally long set-up pay off either, and I've got pictures to explain, so let's just move on and forget that ever happened.
First of all, this is a recent photograph. I can tell because it says "7/21" on it and that was just like last week or something. After journeys into the near future and distant past, Ed has decided to get lazy on the third post. This bodes extraordinarily well for the future of this blog. "Hey, look at me, I can take a picture of something I see in present time!" Thanks for the effort, Atlas. Anyway, it looks to me like 10-year-old Tyler Herne caught the biggish fish on that particular day, and his feat was noted on the dry-erase board of a local seafood establishment.
Yeah. That's probably it.
Yep.
Or, of course, Blackbeard is a massive African-American homosexual predator who kidnapped a young white boy, raped him, murdered him, and is serving what's left of his decomposing corpse at the seafood establishment he opened with all the welfare money he received condition-free from the socialist government of the United States, said money having been collected from white blue-collar workers in the form of taxes and redistributed to people like him.
Hey, Ed, I bet our friend Brian would really enjoy this post, as he's an avid fisherman, hockey player, and Phillies fan. We'll have to send it to hi.......OOPS my mistake, he hanged himself last Thanksgiving. Wocka wocka.
"Thanks for that scintillating history lesson, Picture Explainer," or, perhaps, "ZZZZZZZZ," you're thinking by now. Where am I going with this? I'll (reluctantly, at this point) tell you. New Phillies picture Cliff Lee, having won the Cy Young Award, which is a personal award and not a team award, is required by longstanding baseball tradition to carry around the decomposed corpse of Cy Young (1867-1955) for a year. Yeah, I couldn't really figure out how to make that brutally long set-up pay off either, and I've got pictures to explain, so let's just move on and forget that ever happened.
First of all, this is a recent photograph. I can tell because it says "7/21" on it and that was just like last week or something. After journeys into the near future and distant past, Ed has decided to get lazy on the third post. This bodes extraordinarily well for the future of this blog. "Hey, look at me, I can take a picture of something I see in present time!" Thanks for the effort, Atlas. Anyway, it looks to me like 10-year-old Tyler Herne caught the biggish fish on that particular day, and his feat was noted on the dry-erase board of a local seafood establishment.
Yeah. That's probably it.
Yep.
Or, of course, Blackbeard is a massive African-American homosexual predator who kidnapped a young white boy, raped him, murdered him, and is serving what's left of his decomposing corpse at the seafood establishment he opened with all the welfare money he received condition-free from the socialist government of the United States, said money having been collected from white blue-collar workers in the form of taxes and redistributed to people like him.
Hey, Ed, I bet our friend Brian would really enjoy this post, as he's an avid fisherman, hockey player, and Phillies fan. We'll have to send it to hi.......OOPS my mistake, he hanged himself last Thanksgiving. Wocka wocka.
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