#14: Explainer: dead? broken? just dumb?

Ed says: Wow. Really? Really, picture explainer? Defeated already?
HA! I win! Excellent. That was even easier than I thought it was going to be. Clearly you weren't as talented as I assumed. Oh well, don't feel too bad. It was bound to happen.

So allow me to explain today's picture in your absence:

V for Victory, bitch. V for Victory...

#13: Throwing in the Towel

Ah, 9/11. What a memorable day. I was asleep in my rented rowhome in Philadelphia when Cory Lidle flew that accursed plane into the Empire State Building. After I woke up, my girlfriend and I went to the South Street Diner and then did some shoe-shopping on the Main Line. True story.

So here's the difficulty I've found writing daily blog entries. In order to properly infuse them with humor (I believe the word for this process is "humiliation"), I need access to all of the internets, that gloomy world where links reside. Unfortunately,---
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[sigh]
You know what? I don't think I'm going to do this. I thought that the "pressure" of having to deliver an amusing/compelling entry every day would be worthwhile as a writing exercise, but I've found it frustrating and block-inducing. So I'll just write when I feel like it. Consider "picture explainer" on hiatus. Sorry, Ed.

For now, if I have something I inexplicably* want to broadcast to a strangely* faceless and ironically* monolithic non-entity, I'll just write a note on Facebook.

See you in 2012. In hell!

* - At the very least, this blogging exercise has been useful in helping me realize that I habitually* use adverbs as a stylistic crutch.

#12: Correction

Judging from the comments, you all seem a little befuddled by this picture. I'd assumed that, having read 10 brilliants posts in which I professorially detail the fine art & cold science of picture explaining, you'd have easily been able to pick up on the subtext here, but I should have remembered what happens when people assume: sometimes they're wrong. So, amateurs, please step aside and let a professional do his job.

Let's see here.......
...
hmmm...
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well, my first impression is that this is a black and white photograph, but those reds and blues are starting to dissuade me of that notion. Looking more closel---hey, is that a sandwich?

#11: Self-Explanatory

SSIA

#10: Tobacco's But An Indian Weed

It's not obvious to the untrained eye, but if you look underneath the cloud, you can see every girl I've ever met in Los Angeles, each one smoking a cigarette. (Which is especially odd as this is a picture of Boston.)

Seriously, though: people are still smoking tobacco cigarettes in 2009? With an average price hovering around five dollars a pack (in California)? With 40 years of explicit images showing EXACTLY how damaging it is to your lungs? OK, fine, lungs schmungs, who sees those anyway, but really: your skin? I understand that I'm not exactly Blackbeard's Catch of the Day material myself, but at least I'm not blowing smelly cancer into your eyes while we're attemping to awkwardly muddle through a mundane conversation. Nicotine isn't even a good drug!

Anyway, sorry for the rant. Forgive me; I haven't had my coffee yet.

Get it? ZOMG LOL I'm a hypocrite. Except it only actually makes sense as hypocrisy if I relentlessly spit coffee into your eyes as we pose lackadaisically outside the Silverlake Lounge, which I am prepared to do the next time you light up in my presence. Then I will go home alone, and I will write cranky blog posts about it, and some dude who's willing to make out with a lovely girl who smokes cigarettes will have the night of his life. Again.

#9: Back to Basics

This is a photograph of some cardboard boxes next to a brick wall.

#8: Epic Fail

Ed and I used to play a lot of table tennis in our youth. Yes, we were so poor we could only afford a single youth between us. Despite that hardship, Ed's parents managed to procure a ping-pong table for their basement, and Ed and I spent a lot of time down there imitating the great tennis players of the day: Bill Tilden, Ellsworth Vines, Henri Cochet, and so on. Suzanne Lenglen was a favorite of mine because imitating her afforded me the opportunity to indulge my penchant for wearing fancy hats.

And so on. Blah blah blah. Hey, how about I make up some bullshit story and humorously link it to Wikipedia entries and zany pictures? Perhaps I'll even pepper it with lame jokes and obvious puns before half-assedly bringing it around to the picture at the top of the post. Boy, wouldn't that be a hoot!

Regardless, today's picture, as delivered to me from Ed, is clearly a photograph from the near future of a monument entitled "Tomb of the Unknown Loser." If you look closely you can see me buried beneath it.

Zing.

#7: Update #1

No pictures have been explained in the last week because I haven't had time to explain them. This delay will eventually be explained.

In the meantime, a new post will go up tomorrow. I assure the numerous members of our extensive readership that posting will soon develop into a regimented daily encumbrance for all involved.

#6: More Suicide!

Last night I really wanted to kill myself. This is not a new thing. I've wanted to kill myself periodically for most of my life, although there's really no way to do it periodically if you do it right the first time (again, kudos to Brian!). Luckily for my creditors, I've reached a happy equilibrium in my old age where I recognize the urge for self-cancellation as an aberrant thought that indicates an unbalanced mind. I then eat some grapes and go to sleep, and usually wake up feeling fine the next day. Today is the next day. I feel fine.

Another thing that keeps me alive is, to pick up from the last post, the fact that my parents relentlessly continue to live. My mother raised me to exhibit good manners, and to murder myself while they're still waiting to die strikes me as particularly uncouth. I don't want to force my parents to bury me, although they do enjoy gardening.

So I, like everyone else, will trudge along joylessly until the Reaper gets off his shiftless bony ass and gets the job done. I don't love hating everything, but, as fellow blogger Jiddu Krishnamurti tweeted: "it is no measure of health 2 b well adjusted 2 a profoundly sick society." He's our honorary picture explainer for the day, as he was surely describing the type of society composed of persons that would elect a government that would erect signage instructing citizens to randomly blind other persons.

#5: Therapy and Kites

Ed says: "OK, picture explainer. Figure this one out. Past? Future? Or perhaps even the dark and distant present?!"

I accept your challenge, not that I have a choice under the brutal terms of our contract. Speaking of which, have you ever gone to therapy? Well, I have. Much of the so-called conversation was related to my uncomfortable relationship with my identity as an "artist," a term I am still loath to use self-referentially, considering its baggage and my inability to create anything anyone could consider as "art." I remarked that I had a strange sort of envy for the artist who had been given the gift of losing his parents at an early age, as he could then express himself without the constant mental image of his mother crying about her son's immoral and pathetic inner life hovering over his work. She replied that it might be helpful to think of my parents as dead. I started doing that, and had to double up on the therapy.

This picture was taken Thursday, July 30, 2009, at 12:55pm EST, in Wellfleet, Massachusetts. Ed tried to trick me by rotating the photo 180 degrees, but when you flip it around it's obvious that this is a close-up of an Afghani kite festival in a cloudless sky. You can even see the strings. The small blurry blob near the bottom (top?) of the photo is either a dead paratrooper or the ghost of a paratrooper.

#4: Compassion

I sure hope veterans from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are treated better than veterans from Vietnam have been. For starters, we could provide larger boxes in which to deposit them.